All in my head

I enjoy lots of hobbies.  At least I think I do.  I have a sort of eclectic collection of interests.  One of those is writing, but you wouldn't know it by my blog or my journal.  Life seems to catch up to me quicker than I can get it all done.  Anyone else have that problem?  I have multiple blog posts written in the twists and turns of this crazy head of mine.  They are probably as numerous as the books waiting to be read on my bookshelf. 

I love to read too.  A few years ago I took off in a race to see how many books I could devour in a year.  It was really eye opening that it was possible to read that many books and enjoy them.  Lately, that too is just waiting for a moment.  A moment to read and enough energy to stay awake for page two.

I enjoy doing crafty things.  I have a variety of them ready and waiting.  Things like cross-stitch, jewelry making and cake decorating.  On occasion I even break out the sewing machine for a few simple projects.  For Christmas I received an acrylic painting set that my husband was so hesitant to buy because of this hobby delay disorder.  I'm super excited to use it...but it rests, not yet used for the first time.

I enjoy cooking and creating new things in the kitchen also.  Although I must make time for cooking, it is rarely any of those new and exciting pin-worthy super mom creations.  

I enjoy clear and organized space.  Something that really doesn't match the creative side of my mind.  It also doesn't match the current state of my life or my home.  If given ample amount of time, I might find what I'm searching to find.

I LOVE to date my husband. To sit and talk, laugh and enjoy each other and maybe even eat food I did not cook.  Life really takes over this one.  Miles away from family and living on a limited budget, it's not always easy to find that date night. 

I enjoy spending time with friends and welcoming them into my home.  But to get to the enjoyment part, I usually struggle with the rant and rave, dirty looks and exasperated fit-throwing get it clean part.  Because I know ALL my friends live in super clean, white glove homes where never a piece is out of place.  Did I mention that they NEVER rant and rave or give their children dirty looks?

I could tell you that I enjoy exercise especially running, but that would be a lie.  I wish I enjoyed exercise even running because I know these really awesome mom friends that I hang out with and they run - not walk - 5K's, half marathons and even full marathons in all their spare time. 

I'm sure you are wondering where this blog post is going...because I am beginning to ask myself.  Did I mention it's all in my head?  Yes, the things that hold me back most - are all in my head.  Many of them are lies.  Lies that lead to fear. The fear of failure. The fear of imperfection.  The fear of not living up to someone else's standards.  The fear of doing it wrong, all wrong.  

Thankfully, God did not call me to live in fear.  He has given me a spirit of power, love and self-discipline. He has created me to do the things that he prepared in advance for me to do.  He promises me wisdom when I ask, strength when I am weak and hope beyond measure.

In the midst of unwritten blog posts, unread books, incomplete craft projects, repeated meals, store-bought cookies, piles of papers, dateless months, failed-to-issue invitations and never to be ran 5K's resides the heart of a family. My family.  My live in chaos, beautiful mess family. A family not to be defined by the undone.  A family to be defined by the love and grace of Jesus and his mornings filled with new mercies.  Here I will choose to search for truth.  Truth that sets me free from those lies that are all in my head.

Immeasurably More

Many Christians are familiar with the passage from Ephesians 3:20-21 that reads: "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

I find myself sitting here today questioning what this verse "lives" like.  What does it look like to daily live out this verse?  Does this verse apply to every aspect of my life?  Is this limited to my relationship with Jesus and my ministry on earth?   How do I distinguish between unrealistic expectations and trusting in God to do immeasurably more?  Is there a difference?  Where is the line in trusting God for immeasurably more and falling prey to the lies of "health and wealth" messages prevalent in today's society?

Today I am floundering in a sea of questions.

This much I know to be true:
I can attest to many instances in my past where I know God has met and exceeded my expectations.
I can present my requests to God. (Philippians 4:6)
God is supreme. He is bigger than any circumstance or storm in my life. (Joshua 2:11)
God promises to give me wisdom when I ask. (James 1:5)
God is faithful. (Deuteronomy 7:9)
God can move mountains. (Job 9:5)
Jesus said with the faith of a mustard seed, I can move mountains. (Matthew 17:20)
God's resources are limitless. (Psalm 50:9-11)
God can make good where evil is intended. (Genesis 50:20)
My relationship with Jesus is the secret to strength and contentment. (Philippians 4:12-13)
God can make my paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
My God will meet all my needs. (Philippians 4:19)

Where are you trusting God for immeasurably more?

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139:23-24 

Guarding My Heart

If I were to ask you to list a variety of things we should guard our hearts against, what would you list?  I imagine things like bitterness, evil, unjustified anger, greed, envy, and pride would likely sprinkle the list.  I've recently  been consumed by reading.  I've found that I enjoy reading more now than ever before.  So much so, that it has actually taken away time from facebook (gasp!). I find it very difficult to put down a book once I've turned the first page.  In my head it is like a movie that I don't want to interrupt.  For years there has been one particular secular author I have enjoyed reading.  Recently, I was introduced to some "inspirational" suspense/romance novels.  One particular series was a 7 book series in which I completed 6 of the 7 books in less than two weeks.  While I waited for the one that I had not yet read to arrive by inter-library loan, I gobbled up another two-book series.


I was so enthralled with the well written suspense and I was equally thrilled I felt no guilt in reading the romance that never materialized on paper beyond a kiss and an embrace.  The more I read the more hopeful I was that this was indeed what love should look like.  I began to ponder what had happened to the romance in my own marriage?  I checked myself (with the help of the Holy Spirit) and realized that I was reading "the pursuit."  Each book I read focused on the beginning of new relationships, not the reality of living in a relationship.  I returned to my photo albums to remember that I too had once been "pursued" by a handsome, loving man I now call my husband.  Then yesterday, I ran across an article by Russel Moore that suggested that romance novels could hurt your heart.  The article pointed to similarities between romance novels (even "inspirational" romance) having the same emotional impact on a woman as the physical impact pornography has on men.  He did not by any means make them moral equals.  Is his conclusion wrong?  Honestly, for me it was confirmation that there really is a potential threat to fall into the belief that the man in my life must be all (alpha-male) man and at the same time possess all the sensitive, romantic ideologies of my female brain.  I'm not suggesting we throw out all forms of romantic literature.  I enjoy a good, page-turning book and the tears and excitement that come along with it.  What I have concluded is that it is just that...a book, a fictional story, an escape from reality that is not to be projected onto what is my relationship reality.  Yesterday I finished another book.  This one a different story about a couple married 21 years on the verge of divorce.  Only through their renewed relationship with God were they both able to see their own fault in their marital struggles and move together on the road of reconciliation.  It was a story almost too real to read.  He blamed her for this, she blamed him for that and they altogether gave up on trying to serve and love the other until they were too miserable to even speak to each other.  In the end, they realized that the walls they built around their hearts were built on lies they had told themselves.  It was the truth that set them free to love each other again.


My truth is this: God has blessed me with a wonderful husband.  He may not be the female-brained, alpha-male guy in the romance novel, but he is mine, a gift from God to love and cherish all the days of my life.  Given the time and effort necessary, I too would pen our story in an inspirational pursuit of true love.  Until that day, I will choose to write our story on the pages of my heart and guard this priceless treasure that God has given me.


~"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23