All in my head

I enjoy lots of hobbies.  At least I think I do.  I have a sort of eclectic collection of interests.  One of those is writing, but you wouldn't know it by my blog or my journal.  Life seems to catch up to me quicker than I can get it all done.  Anyone else have that problem?  I have multiple blog posts written in the twists and turns of this crazy head of mine.  They are probably as numerous as the books waiting to be read on my bookshelf. 

I love to read too.  A few years ago I took off in a race to see how many books I could devour in a year.  It was really eye opening that it was possible to read that many books and enjoy them.  Lately, that too is just waiting for a moment.  A moment to read and enough energy to stay awake for page two.

I enjoy doing crafty things.  I have a variety of them ready and waiting.  Things like cross-stitch, jewelry making and cake decorating.  On occasion I even break out the sewing machine for a few simple projects.  For Christmas I received an acrylic painting set that my husband was so hesitant to buy because of this hobby delay disorder.  I'm super excited to use it...but it rests, not yet used for the first time.

I enjoy cooking and creating new things in the kitchen also.  Although I must make time for cooking, it is rarely any of those new and exciting pin-worthy super mom creations.  

I enjoy clear and organized space.  Something that really doesn't match the creative side of my mind.  It also doesn't match the current state of my life or my home.  If given ample amount of time, I might find what I'm searching to find.

I LOVE to date my husband. To sit and talk, laugh and enjoy each other and maybe even eat food I did not cook.  Life really takes over this one.  Miles away from family and living on a limited budget, it's not always easy to find that date night. 

I enjoy spending time with friends and welcoming them into my home.  But to get to the enjoyment part, I usually struggle with the rant and rave, dirty looks and exasperated fit-throwing get it clean part.  Because I know ALL my friends live in super clean, white glove homes where never a piece is out of place.  Did I mention that they NEVER rant and rave or give their children dirty looks?

I could tell you that I enjoy exercise especially running, but that would be a lie.  I wish I enjoyed exercise even running because I know these really awesome mom friends that I hang out with and they run - not walk - 5K's, half marathons and even full marathons in all their spare time. 

I'm sure you are wondering where this blog post is going...because I am beginning to ask myself.  Did I mention it's all in my head?  Yes, the things that hold me back most - are all in my head.  Many of them are lies.  Lies that lead to fear. The fear of failure. The fear of imperfection.  The fear of not living up to someone else's standards.  The fear of doing it wrong, all wrong.  

Thankfully, God did not call me to live in fear.  He has given me a spirit of power, love and self-discipline. He has created me to do the things that he prepared in advance for me to do.  He promises me wisdom when I ask, strength when I am weak and hope beyond measure.

In the midst of unwritten blog posts, unread books, incomplete craft projects, repeated meals, store-bought cookies, piles of papers, dateless months, failed-to-issue invitations and never to be ran 5K's resides the heart of a family. My family.  My live in chaos, beautiful mess family. A family not to be defined by the undone.  A family to be defined by the love and grace of Jesus and his mornings filled with new mercies.  Here I will choose to search for truth.  Truth that sets me free from those lies that are all in my head.

My Word for 2013

I began this year reading a short article in The Baptist Digest titled "Not My Enemy!" and the truth within it has been following me around now for about 26 days waiting to be written, yet not completed.  Yesterday I was knocked into bed with some type of bug that completely zapped me of all energy and made every joint in my body ache.  Today as I continue to rest and recover I determined to put this New Year's thought down in writing. This post is only one of many that should follow as God works in my life throughout 2013 and beyond.   

 The most thought provoking quote (of a quote) in this article that I have been trying to digest over the last several weeks is "I love how Dr. Gary Thomas asks in Sacred Marriage, 'What if God intends to make us holy and not happy?'"  This quote has left me in a quandary.  My mind has been consumed with thoughts and questions such as -  My happiness is not directly related to the holiness God desires I develop.  Holiness and happiness are not the same (didn't I know this?).  Do they co-exist?  What is it in those unhappy moments that God is trying to teach me about holiness?  It seems as I further explore these thoughts, God brings to mind verses of wisdom in those "unhappy" moments that indicate to me there is a long journey ahead.

I was also challenged in this Proverbs 31 Ministries post by Rachel Olsen to chose one word to focus on for the year.  One word that is representative of what I hope Jesus will do in or through me.  One word that will help give me direction.  Yes, you've probably guessed it.  I've chosen my word.  Maybe my word chose me.  Regardless, the word, my word is holy.  Although I may have tried to avoid it and delay the post that might make it official.   It was the first word that provoked serious contemplation as I began 2013.  It continues to challenge me in my thoughts and actions.  I struggle.  I struggle hard.  Especially as I see the areas God is trying to teach me to be holy even at the expense of my happiness.  This is no small word.  This is no simple task.  It can't be accomplished in one written blog post, not even one or two days, months or years.  It won't be accomplished by church attendance or fellowship functions or even in Sunday School - although each of these things can by good and helpful.  This word, this process, is a lifelong challenge to become something I am not, yet something God desires me to be.  Holiness is not an accessory that I can wear when it matches my outfit.  Holiness is what God desires from me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.  His word speaks to me, it calls me to be holy, to be set apart, to be light in the darkness.  The goal is set before me.  The finish line is not in sight, but the race is underway.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."  Hebrews 12:1

"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight."  Ephesians 1:4

"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."  Ephesians 4:22-24

"But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: 'Be holy, because I am holy.'"  1 Peter 1:15-16

Happy Birthday, Rockstar!

In May of 2005, we were excited to find out that we were expecting our second child.  Baby #2 was due January 26th, 2006.  We elected not to find out the gender of Baby #2 just as we had with our firstborn.  I was nearly certain that Baby#2 must be a boy since he/she was so much different than Haley.  January 26th came and went and no baby yet.  Saturday morning, January 28th, I woke up early around 5:30 unable to sleep well.  I was having some contractions, not yet severe.  We had made a "false-alarm" trip to the hospital two weeks earlier and I certainly didn't want to do that again.  After a while of sitting in the living room, Cale got up to check on me.  I showered.  Cale got Haley up and going and called our friends for the expected need for childcare.  We left home sometime between 8 and 8:30, dropped Haley off to our friends and headed to the hospital 45 minutes away.  We arrived in the OB department sometime around 9:15 a.m.  It seemed the nurses wanted to make certain I was actually in labor, so I was placed in this tiny room where they placed me on a monitor and bp cuff and the first nurse attempted multiple times to check my progress - unsuccessfully I might add.  She went for another more experienced nurse who returned to my tiny little room and she quickly assessed that I was indeed well into labor at a "good" 6 cm dilated.  They made arrangements to move me to a labor and delivery room across the hall.  As the nurse was prepping my IV's and pushing the antibiotics that I needed prior to delivery, I informed her that my water had broken.  Once again, she checked my progress and discovered I was at 9 cm quickly nearing 10 cm and almost ready to deliver. At this point the room got a little busy with the hustle and bustle of several nurses.  The younger nurse I started with yelled from my room door down the hall to the desk to call the Doctor STAT.  While the other nurse calmly explained to my husband that it is very possible the doctor will not make it in time to deliver the baby.  She tried to comfort us by letting us know that this is not a first time for such occurrence and that they are capable of seeing us through the delivery until the doctor arrived.  At approximately 10 a.m. I was given a dose of 30 minute pain medication to ease the pain of my contractions.  My doctor did arrive in plenty of time to deliver our precious baby girl at 10:45 a.m.  Aspen Mackenzie weighed in equal to her big sister at 8 pounds 14 ounces.  We then called our parents, who did not know we were at the hospital, to announce the arrival of their newest grand-daughter.  

Since her arrival in our lives, Aspen has provided much energy, excitement and joy to our family.  She loves to sing and dance.  She frequently makes up new songs of great content and sound to sing to us.  As we were driving to school one day, she asked me if she could be a rockstar when she grew up.  I told her that I thought she could be a rockstar, as long as she sang about Jesus.  Content with my response, she determines at this young age to aspire to become a rockstar when she grows up.  Thus the nickname, Rockstar.   Regardless of her chosen occupation in the years to come, she will always be a rockstar in the eyes of her parents.

My sweet Rockstar, may you continue to nurture your sweet spirit and kind heart.  I pray you continue to grow in wisdom and knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  May you be filled with love for the Lord and serve Him with your whole heart, soul and mind that you might be a Rockstar for Jesus all the days of your life.  I pray that I will be willing to commit you to God's loving care and control and release you to serve Him wherever He may lead you across this great globe.


Happy Birthday, Rockstar!  I love you!

My Jesus!

Today I received an awesome privilege. Today after kindergarten round-up, Rockstar and I headed to our local grocery store to pick up a few items before we went to pick up Crazy Horse from school.  While at the grocery store, we met a woman whom I've recently met and God had been bringing her to my thoughts regularly this week.  I was prompted to say hello.  She introduced us to her 5 year old little girl.  Today was her daughter's birthday.  They were looking at cards, but there was no money to buy one.  I undeniably knew that God had a plan and I had a part in His plan.  I bought my groceries, picked up Crazy Horse from school and drove home in tears.  I told Preacherman what I needed to do and he said, "then go do it."  So I did. 


Rockstar and I delivered a birthday present to this little girl.  The little girl was thrilled and full of smiles and hugs. Her mom hugged me.  She told me that earlier today the little girl was really bummed about her birthday and she had told her daughter that maybe Jesus would find a way to make her birthday special.  


Please hear my heart, I am not writing this to tell you what I did.  I want you to hear what my Jesus did!  He took a "chance" meeting at a grocery store with an almost stranger, who already had access to her contact information, to send this precious child a birthday present and let her know that he loves her. What an awesome God we serve!



~And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.  To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen.  Phil 4:19-20

Sometimes grown-ups get it wrong...

It never ceases to amaze me that God can use the smallest, mundane conversations to tune our hearts and ears to Him.  This conversation brought my mind back to a point from our recent Sunday School lesson.


Rockstar:  "Can I go get some crackers?"
Me: "No, I'm almost finished fixing lunch."
Rockstar:  "You mean dinner."
Me: "Yes."
Rockstar: "Sometimes you grown-ups get it wrong."


Yes, Rockstar sometimes we get it wrong.


People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."  Mark 10:13-14

Great Expectations

I've lived a pretty easy life.  School was always something I enjoyed and I excelled at.  I didn't accept my first "B" until I was a junior in college, married and working a part-time job 20 hours a week and even then I didn't swallow it well.  I graduated high school as Valedictorian, was awarded the Top Sophomore award together with another young lady at Culver-Stockton and graduated with Magna Cum Laude honors from TCU.  From the beginning of my working career, I experienced great work environments that always provided me ample promotion and growth opportunities.  I have always enjoyed the ability to do things well and accomplish any task set before me.  Several years ago as I transitioned to the position of a stay-at-home mom, I approached the new "position" with the same great expectations I have in each and every transition in my life.  I had high hopes of highly organized schedules, closets, bedrooms and living areas.  I had dreams of cooking new and exciting meals for dinner each night.  The June Cleaver picture, if you may, as I welcomed my wonderful husband home each day to our clean and inviting home wearing my freshly pressed dress, pearls and high heels and most importantly...my smile - because as we learned from Annie - "you're never fully dressed, without a smile."  After a few months, I came to a rapid realization that I was living something completely opposite the dream I had conjured up in my mind.  My days were beginning to resemble the frantic antics of Lucy Ricardo instead of the collected June Cleaver.  I have spent the last 4 years trying to attain the "June Cleaver" persona only to have my hopes dashed on a daily basis.  Over the last couple months I've come to a new conclusion.  I'm not June Cleaver, I will never be June Cleaver and most importantly...I don't have to be June Cleaver.  I've learned a few new techniques (thanks to FLYLADY) to help calm the chaos that ensues in our home on a daily basis.  More importantly, I'm learning a new attitude and the need to de-clutter my life of the great expectations I have placed upon myself.  My Jesus is teaching me that the best expectations are those that He has appointed for me and all other expectations are holding me captive and hindering the abundant and effective, spirit-filled life God has planned for me.  It's a process, a long process...a process I'll call "breaking free."


The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. ~John 10:10

It's just a game

Last night while dinner was cooking, Preacherman and I sat down at the table to play a game of Farkle.  Before long we were joined by our children.  Rockstar had a tremendous streak of luck and could roll high numbers with one toss of the dice.  Crazy Horse was not as fortunate at the start of the game.  Crazy Horse soon took on the "I'm bored, this is no fun" attitude at the thought that her little sister was going to beat her (and the rest of us) in record time.  Rockstar on the other hand, was so excited to roll the dice that many times she chose to roll the dice and forfeit large scores that added together would have quickly ended our game.  As the game continued, Crazy Horse banked some conservative scores and also hit a few big ones.  Before long Preacherman, Rockstar and Crazy Horse were all tied.  As the game was nearing the end the attitudes had made a complete flip.  Rockstar was now singing the blues and Crazy Horse was elated to be in position to win the game.  In the end, Crazy Horse won the game in record fashion that no one could match.  Rockstar had much difficulty in losing and the realization that she lost the game largely in part because she liked to roll the dice.  Preacherman and I tried to reel in the team to the truth that it is only a game and it is meant for family fun.  After a few tears and a couple hugs everything returned to what we have come to call normal.


This morning I was thinking of our little game last night and the reality that our lives are much like that game.  We all make choices, some are good and some not-so-good.  Each time our turn doesn't provide the expected outcome we must choose our next move.  Do we continue to dwell in the last not-so-good play or do we look forward to our next turn in anticipation that it will be better?  Maybe life as we know it really is "just a game."  Sometimes good things happen.  Sometimes not-so-good things happen.  Sometimes we made the choice that created the outcome.  Sometimes it was just "luck".  Which ever way the ups and downs come, our response to the ups and downs remains our choice. The game of life has one big difference.  In the end, each one who knows Jesus as Lord and Savior WINS the game.  Since the "winning" is not a result of how well we played the game, I think the important part of this game of life is our response along the roller-coaster to eternal life.  Did people recognize our game was different?  Did we invite others to join our winning game?  Did the choices we made throughout our game reflect the sacrificial choice Christ made for us?  Maybe we should be less concerned about bringing our "A-game" and more concerned we are bringing our "J-game".


Time to go get my game on...until next time...pray hard, play well and praise HIM!


²⁴ Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. ²⁵ Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. ²⁶ Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air.  1 Corinthians 9:24-26